Hang in there.

From the other end, I could felt something is terribly wrong with my darling. He sounded very moody and sad. It’s just not his usual self. It worried me the whole morning.

He never like to share his thoughts and feelings with me. He is those person who is not very good at expressing himselves. Unlike me, when there’s a problem, he’ll just put on a moody face, and keep everything to himself. Maybe it’s all because of my erratic attitude. I get mad whenever he tells me his problem, to which, it sounded very silly to me every time. Yeah… I have to admit I am so "devilish" for treating him that way.

I always thought that he ought to be sent to live in the space station from the way he thinks - always tend to over emphasize negativity instead of looking at the brighter side of life. For always reserving his feeling within himself and him being constantly skeptical about almost everything. Sorry for thinking that way darling….. but looking back, I’ve learned to laugh it all about our differences now.

What’s wrong darling?? What’s bothering u?

He later sms’ed me:

Darling, don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself. I missed you.

Me: Be brave. Sorry for not being there to comfort u. Not to worry, we’ll go through the hard times together.

Him: It’s ok… take care of yourself. Save all your hugs and kisses only 4 me. Love you.

Sighhh….

Darling,

I am really sorry for every moment of agony that I have put you through. I really don’t know how to make u understand that difficulties arise in the life of us all. I know you are having difficulties in reorganizing your life over and over again. Please have faith in yourself; it’s never too late for you to mark a new beginning and a new journey. Infact, you should be grateful to be given a chance to embark on a positive journey. It's gonna be a challenging time for you starting tommorow.

Like me, I am learning new things here everyday and it really put a tremendous pressure on me right now. Allot of things just seems impossible without having you by my side. At times, I wanted so much to give up. I feel tired too but I have to put on a brave front and a fake smile because I know no matter how hard or difficult life is, the world doesn’t stop for us to grief!! Remember how you’ve always advice and help me become a better if not wiser person?. For believing in me when I didn’t even dare to believe in myself?

I hope you’ll be strong too, we’ll go though the rainy days together……

Just for you ~ your little “Devil”

Close to you...

For a moment I felt so close to you.

It’s like a piece of you has arrived here with me.

That’s the package I asked darling to pack and send over to me. To my surprised, there’s another surprise for me in that box. Thanks darling, it’s so thoughtful of you.

It’s Saturday and I finish work early. I was kind of bored as I still haven’t figure out what to do after that. Yeah, if only my darling was around, then I’d be full of plans for the weekend. We’ll go dinner, shopping, catch a midnite movies, and so much more.

I sent him a message this morning telling him how I missed him . He replied:

I missed u too! Can’t wait to hug u again. I watch astro everynite till I fall asleep. Everytime I see other couples, I just missed u. stay strong, ok? Love u always.

Hmmmm….. It feels good to know that he's thinking of me as much as I'm thinking of him too…..

Aarrgghhh !!

I was having difficulties sleeping these few nights despite me taking those tranquillizer pills. What is wrong with me? I rolled around on the bed with pepper last night, thinking of tomorrow. I was kind of anxious and didn't know what to expect.

The room was totally dark and time seemed to move so slowly. I fell asleep and then I woke up again. It was still dark, and cold. Strange, for other days like these, I would have fell deep into my sleep hugging my darling to keep myself warm. His snores are like music to my ear…….

I was up at 7 in the morning thanks to the wake up call from him. I must really admit that I appreciated his thoughts of calling me every morning just to make sure I am up and not be late for work and he has been doing so for the past one week!! It has always been difficult for me drag my self up of bed early in the morning. And everytime after waking up, I’ll felt tempted of stealing another minute of sleep – aaawwww….. Just a minute more!!! That’s why I depended allot on my darling to wake me up.

Darling dearest, thank you so much honey for your wake-up call “service”. It certainly feels so good just to hear your voice at the other end every morning.

Wanna Switch Place ?

I was on the phone with my darling last night, chatting about my work here and what stuffs I needed him to send over, gossiping about our friends in kl as to what happened between who and who, yada, yada, yada.

He later told me that he is very lonely without my presence.

To be frank darling, I am not better off here too. I am lonely too, but what can we do? Do we have any choice? Come to think of it, you are in KL for god sake….. U have plenty of friends in kl, u can easily figure out what to do and how to get a life.

What about me? Ever thought of putting yrself in my shoes?

And I was wondering ……

Do u wanna switch place with me??

Hopeless me..

Being alone in an unfamiliar and isolated place can be scary at times. Depression sets in everytime I finished work, when its time to go home. Since I am confined at home most of the time after work, there’s just absolutely nothing much activities for me to kill time other than watching tv,….watch tv… errr… and watch more tv’s !!!

I really had to accept the fact that there’s no turning back, therefore, I’ll have to accept whatever situation I am faced with. I guess, the hardest part for me is still to struggle so much to adapt to my new life here without my darling, being lonely after work, and staring into the ceiling of my room into the dead of night.

It then became so painful for me to find strength to carry on. I tend to become very vulnerable thinking about the state of my life at the moment and I would be filled with fears of uncertainties.

Dammit....I definitely do not want to live here forever.

I feel so small here.

Meet my new friend !!

Dear all....

Meet "Pepper", my new freind here in the "rainforest in Borneo". Pepper had been bunked with me for the past one week in my room, we even vegetated before the idiot box every nite watching astro. Trust me, we were so bored we even watched the Vaan channel on astro channel 6. Well... at least he is not complaining.

What a true companion !!!

So Near Yet So Far

I think of you always, darling.

So bad, even in sleep I dream of you.

I missed you.

I missed the sweet smile on your face,

I missed the way you when you hugged me tight when we cuddled up in the bed to sleep on a cold night,

I missed peering secrectly at your face while you were sleeping and ...

I missed waking up in the morning without having you by my side.

I missed you dearly, darling.

I love you, always.

Darling....

Allot of things are running through my mind right now.

All this while, I’ve always put so much expectation on myself and I am those people who never really care to appreciate or even pay any attention to people around me – their needs, their feelings are always neglected by me. I am also those sort of person that portrays a strong and courage’s attitude, but in reality, I am really not.

All I wanted was just to take charges of my life and determine the directions I want tomorrow to go in. I was thinking maybe it’s about time I give or do something back to my darling.

But how?? Isn’t it too late now??

Darling,

I really hope you understand my situation. I have no choice. I am not those heartless person, like you’ve always said I am. I am really sorry if I’ve made u feel this way, trust me, deep down in my heart, my love for you will never changed. Infact, after all these years being together, I am starting to see so many beautiful attributes in you.

I am so glad that you are a part of my life – to share myself with you, and to walk together on the paths that took us in so many beautiful directions. Remember my promises?? I promised you that we’ll live to love each other and watch each other grow old. That’s my wish.

Like you, I am having a very hard time coping with my life right now. I hope u too will settle down soon, accepting the fact that I am no longer there to be with you all the time. Learn to be independent and most of all be brave. It takes a strong person to deal with tough times. I promise, everything will be fine – we both will deal and go through the hard times together, and we both will cope with the changes together.

Thank you for being so understanding and supportive. I want you to now that I love you and so many of my smile depended on you.

Love,
me

It's loo late

1305 : The plane finally took off. I peered out of the window with my tears rolling down my cheeks, hoping to get a glimpse of my darling somewhere.

“Goodbye, darling. Promise to take good care of yourself okay ?. I will be back soon, don’t worry about me, I’ll take good care of myself too.”

I later fell asleep with exhaustion written all over my face. The stream of tears had dried up.

1605 : I’ve finally touched down at the Airport. I walk like a dead zombie with a heavy heart towards the immigration. After collecting my luggage, I walked hesitantly towards my collogue waiting at the arrivals, then heads off to my new house.

I broke down once again after my colleague left. My mind was miles and miles away and pictures of my darling came flashing through my mind non-stop. I pick up the phone and decided to call him. We both cried over the phone, I could feel his loneliness already.

“I miss you dear; I wished you didn’t have to leave. My life is so empty without you around. I cried after sending you off” he said.

I was devastated and heart broken to hear that. Why didn’t you tell me this before?? I was angry at myself that very moment…. How could I be so selfish?

Once again, I cried my self to sleep that nite, this time, I was alone - without him by my side.

I felt so cold and lonely………

Goodbye, my love

I woke up quite early this morning to finish packing up for my other stuffs. My darling is still sleeping and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up yet.

We later drove to the airport.

We didn’t talk much during the journey; we just held our hands tightly as he was concentrating driving. I kept telling myself to be strong and never to let him see me cry. I wanted to portray a strong image for him so that he would not be sad to see me leave.

We finally arrived at the airport and the time is ticking, I’ve got another 45 minutes left with him. We walk around the airport and arrived at the departure gate, I felt a lump in my throat. We both sat there speechless - lost for words – both our faces went blank.

When the reality started to sink in, a massive wave of emotions swept through my mind. I kept reminding myself to be strong, but finally I gave up. I broke down. I was shivering, scared and panic. I started crying uncontrollably, as I told him to take good care of himself. He told me the same thing too, that he will always love me and that he’s gonna miss me.

It’s finally time for me to check in. As we both hug each other, he started crying and so did I. For the first time, we both hugged so tightly, with tears flowing from our eyes as if the world had just stop moving just for the both of us, we totally ignored the peoples around us. It was the first time I ever saw him cry in our relationship. This proves that my darling is really sad.

I had only one wish at that very moment. I wish the world would stop; the time would freeze so that we wouldn’t have to be apart.

I was still crying as I went through the departure gate, my heart has never felt heavier, and my limbs have never felt so stiff. I felt so dizzy as so many things are running through my mind. I was too traumatized.

I looked back and there he is, still standing there to bid the last farewell. I could see his tears and that really hurt me allot. Sometime, I just wish that I had the guts to follow my heart. To do things I am happy doing, to live my live the way I wanted it to be. I wanted so muc to turn back and walk away from the departure gate, quit my job just to be with him.

But hold on, think again. I can’t do that, my future depended allot on what I do now. Sigghhhh…..

As I was waiting in the departure room, I was still crying and my emotion was so shaken. I had to leave soon! There’s no why for me to turn back. I was full of regrets at that very moment. Looking out the window, parked the Boeing 737 that’s gonna fly me to Borneo. I can’t help but wished that that there’s a bomb planted somewhere in it and then the plane would burst into a giant inferno.

"Dear lord… I don’t want to leave, really!!!"

Just the two of us

Last nite was spent with just the two of us –my darling and me.

I guessed I wasn’t my usual self that nite, and my darling was feeling terribly sad and worried. My head is still reeling from the reality that I’ll be leaving the very next day. We both knew it’s gonna be our last nite together and he was trying his best not to show his sadness to me. Like wise, I was confused, and wished that I had more time to spend with him that night. The atmosphere was totally pale and sad.

However, I really appreciate my darling’s effort trying to help me pack my luggage despite his somber mood. He kept reminding me to be careful and handed me the important stuffs like my precious alarm clocks (yeah, I sleep like a dead man!!), chargers and other stuffs. Thank you so much darling !! I could never have done it without your support and help. Thanks for putting on a smile and looking at you last night really lifted up my spirit for a brief moment.

That nite we both dozed off hugging each other like a baby. No one can ever understand our feeling. I cried myself to sleep secretly in the middle of the night, knowing for sure that we’ll be apart the next day. I told myself to be strong no matter what future holds for the both of us.

I will always love u my darling, that’s for sure!!

Will I survive??

Hmm… I’ve always knew this day will come… that’s why I never really like to stress or think about it so often. All these while, I’ve been so attached of having my darling around and I really can’t imagine my days without him, not even a single day. And now, it seems that I’ll have to spent the rest of my life here(God knows for how long )

Last nite, I received a call from my big Boss asking me to prepare for my “deportation” to the rainforest in Borneo. Not that I’ve not been there before, but I know pretty well what kind of life I’ll be expecting there.

To be frank, I never really wanted to leave, after being in the comfort zone in KL for such a long time. It’s a difficult choice for me, and I have no other option. On the other hand, I’ve got to live, work and earn a living too. I’ve got way too much of responsibilities and liabilities to pay – my house, car installments, credit card bills and the list goes on. I guess, I was left with no choice but to leave !!!

After that particular call from my boss, I started to freak out. My blood pressure started to rise and my entire body started to shake uncontrably. My “hypertension” is back. That is why I never like to remind myself about this relocation thing. I’ve never even like to discuss it with him as I am pretty sure it will caused him to be extremely unhappy - for I know he loved me too much and it’s gonna hurt him just to see me leave. He loves me so much that he neglected his own life sometimes.

I’ve know my darling for almost 5 years but it seems like I've been watching him grow and progress for a long time. Much has changed and I believe changes will continue to take place and I'll continue to stand by him no matter what. The truth is we never really stayed apart before. We both did almost everything together – from laughters and tears, going shopping, traveling, movies, dining out, cooking, etc. Everything a normal couple would do, you name it, we’ve done it all together. Now, you can see why we both are so upset about me leaving and be apart.

My concern now is whether I will survive the ordeal of being apart from my darling. I know we’ll both miss each other like hell.

My other bigger concern is whether or not I’ll survive being in a totally new place - place full with strangers, new work load, my new friend called “Mr Loneliness” – AARRGGHHH !!! Life really sucks!

Hopefully, I’ll be able to cope and fit in without too much trouble.