Let go and fly away....

I guess, sometimes we just have to learn to let go. We all hate to fail, hate to give up and hate to be looked down by others. But sometimes, when there's nothing else we can do in lives, we need to recognize those moments and walk away with pride intact and dignity high.

The Crossroads

Only you know where this road will lead,
only you know my destiny.
You gave me the decision to make,
you have faith in the road I will take.

I can't worry about the people it will affect,
there will be no time for regret.
There won't be any turning back,
I'll have my faith in my backpack.

You have taught me very well,
your teachings will help me prevail.
I have reached the crossroads in my life,
I know I've done the best I can.......

I'm Confused

This week has been of a constant high and low for me, and at the end of it, I am face with yet the biggest and hardest obstacle in my entire life. The decsion I make is gonna change my life entirely. Therefor, so much things are running in my mind right now. I am really at lost on what to do and what's next that gonna happen. It's been worrying, hectic and i felt as if the weight of a mountain are on my shoulders now.

i think the strain i am feeling right now has taken its toll. Today, i am at the bottom. This is the moment where i question myself whether the path i've taken was a mistake.

i've again sunk into a deep depression, suffered panic attacks and i am also refusing to talk to my darling about my problems at all, yet. i think i might as well talk to him after i've made up my mind on the path of life i wanna take.

So, please bear with me darling......

I dedicate this song to you.....

I’ve been listening to this song by James Blunt – Goodbye My Lover, and I must say that this song is one of the best I’ve heard in my life, seriously. This track encapsulates a distinctive vocal with beautiful melodies and emotional lyrics.

This song kills me, it’s so heart wrenching that everytime I listen to it, it made me shed tears.

This song makes me remember what it is like to go through painful moment and it hits deeply into my heart. It reminds me of my darling in many ways. In a way, this song has tought me to appreciate our love even more.......

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

i am back

Gosh… it's been a weeks since my last posted something here. Sorry for the long break and as usual, my excuses are always the same…. Long holiday breaks, no internet connection, busy with works and maybe it was all because I was too lazy to blog these days. Well… for whatever reason it may be, I am just glad that I am back, getting my mood ready for full swing to start blogging again.

I am getting older...

Your Birthdate: January 14

You work well with others. That is, you're good at getting them to do work for you. It's true that you get by on your charm. But so what? You make people happy! You're dynamic, clever, and funny. And people like to have you around. But you're so restless, they better not expect you to stay around for long. Your strength: Your superstar charisma Your weakness: Commitment means nothing to you Your power color: Fuchsia Your power symbol: Diamond Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Really ?? hmmm.... I really don't think I am one of those person.

It's my birthday today. It was my darling's yesterday. I called him right after midnite and sang him a birthday song over the phone. ? It's so disappointing for the 2 of us for not being able to celebrate our birthday together this year.

I was rather sad today and I know I am not suppose to be, instead, i should be happy thinking of my birthday gifts, where to party all night long, go dining out with my darling and eat as much yummy things as possible or even some meet up with friends...... Unfortunately, that's not the case here. Already, i am missing my darling so much. Worse still, I am stuck here in Borneo all alone on my birthday!!! Aarrgghhh!!!

However unhappy i may be with my life now, i still manage to cheer up a little. I did manage to list down my birthday wish list which i am not supposed to tell or else it won't come true. I would also like to say a BIG thank you to my darling for everything he has done and is still doing for me, “I miss you so much, can’t wait to be with you again”. Thank you for being such a amazing person who is always trying to please me despite all the pressure you're under.

Anyway, in case anyone out there who is wondering how old I am, I’m 22 : )

Okay.. okay, I find it really stupid to hide one’s age! We all grow old right, pretending to be younger or older doesn’t change a thing, So I am saying very proudly “I’m 29 years old this year” : (

I Wish.....

Happy Birthday Darling !!

Hi Darling,

First of all..... Happy Birthday to you.

Hope your day is filled with nothing but happiness not just on this special day but every day. Thank you for the many memories we've shared during our entire journey that we've walk through together. Darling, I also want to thank you for coming into my life, and its like i've known you forever. You totally changed my life.

I love you with all my heart and that's a fact.

Happy Birthday!! Happy Birthday!!
Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday!! Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday!! Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday!! Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday!! Happy Birthday!!

My Journey....

Oh this journey, this path through life

Day after day, night after night

Can't sleep it away, can't put it behind

It's there in my mind, its part of the time

This journey's the path through the stages in life

It unravels the mysteries,

shows us the light

Presents to us choices from which we must decide

There's no time to think

Is there somewhere to hide?

So we use our own judgment and

pressed by time we flip a dime

Heads or Tails, we succeed or we fail

To later discover through what the journey unravels

If we only knew yesterday what we'll know tomorrow

Let's run through the journey and maybe we'll see

But this journey is wiser than you and me

So I learn from the journey and from all my mistakes

Take the wisdom and knowledge to every next day

Focus on the good things that have come my way

I have grown,

I will learn,

I will grow,

From every day, from every stage

Heads or Tails,

I will succeed,

I won't fail

Time Well Spent....

My darling and I went for a short trip in Singapore on Christmas day when I was back in KL for Christmas and New Year holiday recently. The trip was great and I sure did have the most enjoyable time of my life being able to spend Christmas with my darling. It was a wish comes true for me….. Thanks darling.

I must say that time sure flies and how I wished I could spend more time with my darling while I was back. We spent the whole week busy going out for movies, dinner, shopping, getting my car serviced, catching up with friends and many things more done so fast with so little time. Hmmm… I think spending precious time and doing things together has made my trip back all worthwhile.

For the rest of the week while I was back, I tried hard not to think about my job in Borneo and the thoughts of going back to Borneo makes me want to spend more time with my darling because it’s going to be another month or so before we could see each other again. I’ll definitely miss you even more, and the way we hugged each other to bed at night. I’ll missed looking at your cute little babyish face while you’re sleeping and every time I think of this, I’ll have a huge smile on my face. (I still watch the video of u sleeping with my handphone every night before I go to bed :)

What The Year Has Tought Me...

I know... I know…. I have not been blogging that much recently and will you stop bugging me about this please ??? Well, my blog has been missing its entries because over the last few weeks, I’ve lost the motivation to blog, especially when I have to write about my boring life here in Borneo.

The new year was all over and ahead of us lies a brand new year. Looking back, 2005 has been the most challenging and an emotional year for both of us. It was a year full of tears and sadness, a year filled with so much fears of uncertainties, a year when I was forced out from my comfort zone and had to move on to another level in life, a year where I had to be separated from my darling and so much more. 2005 has left me high and dry, and it has also left me to cope with a great deal of uncertainties in my life. It was like a year when I had to walk through a dark tunnel without an end. However, witch each year that passed by, I’d discover a little more about myself and the path I’ve gone through and the mistakes I’ve made, therefore, I am very keen on making up all the losses that I’ve gone through last year.

I did not plan to make any new year resolution this year. My mind is still too busy trying to recap the year that had just passed. Sometimes I really feel like I'm just living from paycheck to paycheck, thinking of the next latest gadgets to buy instead of saving up my hard earn money. You see, the problem with me is I get carried and caught up with what I perceived to be important too easily, and I often forget the priorities in my life, Luckily I always have my darling around to constantly remind me to stand firm on my feet and to control my spending habits to a certain level…. Thanks again darling.

Last year, I also witnessed one of my very close buddy battling with AIDS. Like I’ve already said in my previous blog, this friend of mine has an enormous strength and courage. That's one attributes I can never have in me. Knowing the dilemma and pain he is going through in life really made me wonder if I could have cope with life if I were to be in his shoes. All my problems seem so small compared to his. Dealing with real life’s unknowns has taught me to believe in myself and to see things from different dimension now.

Love life-wise, the year has been rather predictable for me. My relationship with my darling has been growing steadily and this marks our sixth year being together. It has not been easy for the both of us to get to this stage, and somehow, out of the twist and turns I thank god that he has made him part of my life, It’s like a part of my darling has grown in me. However, life isn't all about love… I also have few fabulous friends to count on….. Francis, Konrad, Casey, Mathew, Ananda, and many more… you guys are fantastic.

And lastly, 2005 will always be remembered as the worst and the most painful year I’ve gone through in my entire life. And I am glad its all gone now. Wait a minute… it’s not really gone yet, I am still faced with the same problems yet again this year. Sighhh, I am kind of feeling a little disappointed right now and I may cry (Just for the heck of it- ha ha) Anyway, as the brand new year lies ahead of us all, let’s not worry about what bills to pay, what secrets to keep and so forth – Lets remind ourselves on how challenging being a human actually is and hopefully all my coming years, however many I have left, will be better.

Yeayy...

Yeeayyy… another 20 odd hours to go before I could board on the plane that’s gonna fly me back to kl. HERE I COME KUALA LUMPUR !!!!!

At least, for the rest of the week, I’ll not have to think about my work here. You know what? Life does feel better, when you don’t have to think about work all the time. It’s like detaching yourself from it….. You know what I mean. Oohhh it’s gonna be so liberating.

However, after this much sought after one week break, I’ll still end up in where I belong, the rainforest of Borneo. That will definitely give me sense of clarity that my life has to start over again. An intuition to start everything new, with New Year’s resolution to make, to prioritize my life and also to always remember to stand firm on my feet.

Okay, I guess this is gonna be my last post for this week and next week since I am going off tomorrow. Not that I don’t have access to the internet, but I think I am definitely going to be very busy doing stuffs at home… ha ha

So guys…See y'all in next year!!!

Till then, the best of luck and Happy New Year 2006.

oh my god is it that time of the year already?

Ho...Ho...ho....
have you guys been good boys this year ???

Here,
I would like thank you guys for the kindness
and the friendship that all of you have bestowed on me throughout this year.
I appreciate all of your friendship more than you know.
My wish for all of you is may this holiday season
be filled with peace and contentment for all.
Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year too.....

.......and to my Darling
i am so glad that i'll be spending christmas with you once again,
it’s the best gift ever for me to be with you on christmas.
my only christmas wish is that
we both will have many, many more years of spending
christmas together.

"Merry Christmas to you and
may all your dreams com true."
I love You.....

mee too....

Him ~ Don't worry!

I'm ok. Just can't wait for another 2 days more to see u.

I didn't sleep well these few days even though

I tried counting the stars...

hopefully when u r back

i will be able to hv a good sleep beside you.

Darling...

i'll definitely sleep like a pig at home.....

there's just no better place than being at home,

a home that stored many happy memories of us together !!!

It's okay....

I guess the trauma and the difficult time had left me feeling angry and quite emotioanal last night and I might have expressed it inappropriately. It’s so silly for the both of us to even go over the top on this.

"Stop making a big issue of It okay darling ... ?"

Brokeback Mountain

"it was a friendship....
that became a secret...
there are places that we can't return ...
there are lies we have to tell ...
there are truth we can't deny."

Yo guys... check this movie out. It's an epic love story between 2 cowboys Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) hired to herd sheep on Wyoming’s Brokeback Mountain. But neither anticipates having a romantic relationship with the other. When their boss (Randy Quaid) discovers their secret, the 2 abruptly ends their herding season. The 2 come down from the mountain denying their feelings for each other and head their separate ways. Both marry, have children and pursue the more traditional life that’s socially accepted, but a postcard from Twist in Texas to Del Mar in Wyoming reconnects the two and starts a 20-year homosexual relationship that they hide under the guise of fishing trips to Brokeback Mountain.

And the full website for Brokeback Mountain is open. You see their movies traile here. Click HERE to view.

i am sorry.

"i am so sorry...."
"i am so sorry.. ." "i am so sorry...."

i am sorry.. .." "i am sorry"

"i am so sorry......"

"i am so sorry... " i am so sorry.........."

"i am sorry......"

"i am sorry.............."

"i am sorry............"

"i am sorry..... " "i am so sorry..."

i am so sorry... darling. words cannot express my feelings in my heart. i know i said something that hurt your feeling ,something incredibly dumb.

it was yesterday night.

i must admit that i have been too oblivian, not thinking of your feelings and i have been too focused on my daily task here. i know there is no excuse for my behavior, and all i can do now is say "i am sorry" to take the hurt you felt from my ignorance. but, i can't say that i might never do it again.let's face it - I get carried away a lot..... you know what i mean ?? (ps : please don't be too over sensitive as well ?? promise ?)

anyway, thanks for not giving up on me and be the only strength for me to carry on here. also, here's big fat hug and kiss for putting up with me and i promise that i'll not let any anger, sadness and my stupidity from causing anymore harm in us.

Give me a reason.....

Gimme a reason....

Why I'm feeling so blue ,

Everytime I close my eyes,

all I see is you ,

Gimme a reason ....

17th December 2005

and time can do so much...

it's been over a month now..... the day i left you exactly a month ago, and i missed you so much.


Time goes by so slowly for those who wait....

No time to hesitate....

Those who run seem to have all the fun.

I'm caught up...

I don't know what to do...

Bad dreams.....

i went to bed quite early last nite after speaking to my darling over the phone. ealier, i had been doing allot of thinking about my future here in borneo and i was actually feeling abit angry and depressed deep inside. the more ithought about it, the more anxious i became.

Well, for some reason, my unconscious mind decided to wake me up by a terrible dream in the middle of the nite. Apparently, i was being chased by allot of people, and the chase just seems eternity...... i just kept on running away from them, and they just kept on chasing. i remembered i trumbled a few times, but i just kept on running, it was terrifying, just terrifying feeling.

all of the sudden, i just felt so vulnerable, all alone in the middle of the nite. i decided to call my darling. i just felt so relieved after hearing his comforting voice at the other end. i am so used to having bad dreams from time to time, but i remembered that evertime i had bad dreams, my darling always be by my side hugging me tight, comforting me, and it'll be dosing off to sleep in no time knowing that it's just a dream. but this time, i was so scared, i started to cry..... i just felt so lonely, insecure and depressed.

Together... forever.....

work... work... and more work...

Dammit .... ever since i was back to my work here, i was flooded with loads and loads of work to be done. hey... i thought i finished all my work b4 i left kl ?? hmmm..... i guess it's a good thing for me to keep myself busy at work rather than doing nothing at all (at least i won't be yawning all the time in the office and knowing there's still unfinished work for me to the next day will definitely keep my boring life going here)

Okay... work eased off a bit today because I finished a boat load yesterday. however, i was yet again attacked by a whole new bus load of work before i left office. sighh......

I dragged myself outta bed this morning to go to work. i have not not been sleeping well these few day, its worrying that i still depend allot on my tranquillizer pills to calm me down and get me to sleep at night. its really terrifying not being able to sleep at night especially when i am all alone in my room - when this happen, i always stare hard at the ceiling, not a wink of sleep, and worried sick about the fact that I am all alone in this entire world. i think i am going crazy.....

a message from him....

Tomorrow will be my sad day again, cos u will be leaving back to Borneo after spending a week with me. I noticed you are not at yr usual mood today, perhaps felt sad to leave me and be back to yr isolated place...so do I.

Darling! I must say I really enjoyed and happy being with u this whole week, spending quality time together, shopping, dine, watch movies etc .....do things like we used to do before! (tks darling) and I cant wait for tis to happen again in two more weeks time,(before X'mas) !! I cried and could not sleep tonite even though am bit tired...stared at yr cute, baby, handsome face (heehe) and just cant help thinking about u leaving me again.

Promised you i will be strong and take care of myself OK! afterall its only two weeks and we shall have our time together again ! U too have to take care of yrself and remember to drink more water and smoke less....

Oh yeah ! Compliment to u darling cos i noticed you had changed yr attitude a bit being patience and tolerate towards tis old mancho man...hahaha......love u !!!!!

Your Darling....
12:36 AM


yeayyy... for the very first time, my darling has written his sincere comment here. i was actually very touched by what he has written for me. at least, i know that he is reading my blog..

my dearest...

thanks for the compliments darling. being apart with u has given me a chance to fall in love with u all over again. i've also learn to appreciate even the slightest things around me.i was shocked and extremely happy to read yr comments here for the very first time.

the past one week with u in kl was fantastic. time really fly and well... as much as i wanted to stay, we both know its impposible.

see u in x'mas.....

Back to kl......

I know i have not been blogging much these days... as much as i wanted to so, i just felt that there's nothing interesting or even anything amazing happening to my life here in Borneo. Everytime i wanted to blog, i am just lost for words or even stories to write. sorry guys !!! .... I have nothing worthwhile to write about my life at the moment.

I went back to KL last week and i must say that it was the happiest week i've gone through since my transfer. i was really glad to be able to see my darling again. Everything in KL seems to be so beautiful though i've only been away for like 3 weeks.

I had a mix feeling when my boss called me up asking me to be back for a meeting and get some matters done over in KL office. i was thrilled at first but deep inside me, i never really wanted to go home as yet. after being here for the past 3 weeks, i am starting to get so accustomed to my life here. i must admit that i have fitted and settled down here more than what i've expected it to be. i nkow for sure that if i were to go back, i'll have to start all over again once i am back to Borneo..... that's why i wasn't really excited about my trip back to kl. The only excitement for me was to be able to see my darling once again!!

World Aids Day - I care, do you ?

It's World Aids Day today... this day is officially declare in 1988 in order to raise awareness, and to fight prejudice to those people living with AIDS.

.....and it reminds me of one of my very dear friend who is diagnosed with AIDS, which changes his lives dramatically. Whenever I think of this friend of mine, I think of a person with enormous strength. Despite having to endure a future of so much pain, he is even stronger than anyone of us out there, trust me !!

Let me ask, how would you feel when your good friend tells you he is HIV positive ? I remembered my first reaction was sad and shocked, and then don't know what to say - I think to myself, ohmygod, he's going to die. but then I realise, everyone, be it HIV positive or not, will eventually going to die too. I guess, that's why we never really discriminated or even treated him awkwardly. If he had never told me that he was infected, I think I would have gone away none the wiser.

So, on this day, please do take some time out to remember and to reflect on the suffering caused by AIDS. WE are all affected by it, much more than we think. So, lets pray and reach out together. Start to share some responsibilitites and think of what it would be like to be a "People Living WIth Aids" and hopefully, our heart will open!!

Hang in there.

From the other end, I could felt something is terribly wrong with my darling. He sounded very moody and sad. It’s just not his usual self. It worried me the whole morning.

He never like to share his thoughts and feelings with me. He is those person who is not very good at expressing himselves. Unlike me, when there’s a problem, he’ll just put on a moody face, and keep everything to himself. Maybe it’s all because of my erratic attitude. I get mad whenever he tells me his problem, to which, it sounded very silly to me every time. Yeah… I have to admit I am so "devilish" for treating him that way.

I always thought that he ought to be sent to live in the space station from the way he thinks - always tend to over emphasize negativity instead of looking at the brighter side of life. For always reserving his feeling within himself and him being constantly skeptical about almost everything. Sorry for thinking that way darling….. but looking back, I’ve learned to laugh it all about our differences now.

What’s wrong darling?? What’s bothering u?

He later sms’ed me:

Darling, don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself. I missed you.

Me: Be brave. Sorry for not being there to comfort u. Not to worry, we’ll go through the hard times together.

Him: It’s ok… take care of yourself. Save all your hugs and kisses only 4 me. Love you.

Sighhh….

Darling,

I am really sorry for every moment of agony that I have put you through. I really don’t know how to make u understand that difficulties arise in the life of us all. I know you are having difficulties in reorganizing your life over and over again. Please have faith in yourself; it’s never too late for you to mark a new beginning and a new journey. Infact, you should be grateful to be given a chance to embark on a positive journey. It's gonna be a challenging time for you starting tommorow.

Like me, I am learning new things here everyday and it really put a tremendous pressure on me right now. Allot of things just seems impossible without having you by my side. At times, I wanted so much to give up. I feel tired too but I have to put on a brave front and a fake smile because I know no matter how hard or difficult life is, the world doesn’t stop for us to grief!! Remember how you’ve always advice and help me become a better if not wiser person?. For believing in me when I didn’t even dare to believe in myself?

I hope you’ll be strong too, we’ll go though the rainy days together……

Just for you ~ your little “Devil”

Close to you...

For a moment I felt so close to you.

It’s like a piece of you has arrived here with me.

That’s the package I asked darling to pack and send over to me. To my surprised, there’s another surprise for me in that box. Thanks darling, it’s so thoughtful of you.

It’s Saturday and I finish work early. I was kind of bored as I still haven’t figure out what to do after that. Yeah, if only my darling was around, then I’d be full of plans for the weekend. We’ll go dinner, shopping, catch a midnite movies, and so much more.

I sent him a message this morning telling him how I missed him . He replied:

I missed u too! Can’t wait to hug u again. I watch astro everynite till I fall asleep. Everytime I see other couples, I just missed u. stay strong, ok? Love u always.

Hmmmm….. It feels good to know that he's thinking of me as much as I'm thinking of him too…..

Aarrgghhh !!

I was having difficulties sleeping these few nights despite me taking those tranquillizer pills. What is wrong with me? I rolled around on the bed with pepper last night, thinking of tomorrow. I was kind of anxious and didn't know what to expect.

The room was totally dark and time seemed to move so slowly. I fell asleep and then I woke up again. It was still dark, and cold. Strange, for other days like these, I would have fell deep into my sleep hugging my darling to keep myself warm. His snores are like music to my ear…….

I was up at 7 in the morning thanks to the wake up call from him. I must really admit that I appreciated his thoughts of calling me every morning just to make sure I am up and not be late for work and he has been doing so for the past one week!! It has always been difficult for me drag my self up of bed early in the morning. And everytime after waking up, I’ll felt tempted of stealing another minute of sleep – aaawwww….. Just a minute more!!! That’s why I depended allot on my darling to wake me up.

Darling dearest, thank you so much honey for your wake-up call “service”. It certainly feels so good just to hear your voice at the other end every morning.

Wanna Switch Place ?

I was on the phone with my darling last night, chatting about my work here and what stuffs I needed him to send over, gossiping about our friends in kl as to what happened between who and who, yada, yada, yada.

He later told me that he is very lonely without my presence.

To be frank darling, I am not better off here too. I am lonely too, but what can we do? Do we have any choice? Come to think of it, you are in KL for god sake….. U have plenty of friends in kl, u can easily figure out what to do and how to get a life.

What about me? Ever thought of putting yrself in my shoes?

And I was wondering ……

Do u wanna switch place with me??

Hopeless me..

Being alone in an unfamiliar and isolated place can be scary at times. Depression sets in everytime I finished work, when its time to go home. Since I am confined at home most of the time after work, there’s just absolutely nothing much activities for me to kill time other than watching tv,….watch tv… errr… and watch more tv’s !!!

I really had to accept the fact that there’s no turning back, therefore, I’ll have to accept whatever situation I am faced with. I guess, the hardest part for me is still to struggle so much to adapt to my new life here without my darling, being lonely after work, and staring into the ceiling of my room into the dead of night.

It then became so painful for me to find strength to carry on. I tend to become very vulnerable thinking about the state of my life at the moment and I would be filled with fears of uncertainties.

Dammit....I definitely do not want to live here forever.

I feel so small here.

Meet my new friend !!

Dear all....

Meet "Pepper", my new freind here in the "rainforest in Borneo". Pepper had been bunked with me for the past one week in my room, we even vegetated before the idiot box every nite watching astro. Trust me, we were so bored we even watched the Vaan channel on astro channel 6. Well... at least he is not complaining.

What a true companion !!!

So Near Yet So Far

I think of you always, darling.

So bad, even in sleep I dream of you.

I missed you.

I missed the sweet smile on your face,

I missed the way you when you hugged me tight when we cuddled up in the bed to sleep on a cold night,

I missed peering secrectly at your face while you were sleeping and ...

I missed waking up in the morning without having you by my side.

I missed you dearly, darling.

I love you, always.

Darling....

Allot of things are running through my mind right now.

All this while, I’ve always put so much expectation on myself and I am those people who never really care to appreciate or even pay any attention to people around me – their needs, their feelings are always neglected by me. I am also those sort of person that portrays a strong and courage’s attitude, but in reality, I am really not.

All I wanted was just to take charges of my life and determine the directions I want tomorrow to go in. I was thinking maybe it’s about time I give or do something back to my darling.

But how?? Isn’t it too late now??

Darling,

I really hope you understand my situation. I have no choice. I am not those heartless person, like you’ve always said I am. I am really sorry if I’ve made u feel this way, trust me, deep down in my heart, my love for you will never changed. Infact, after all these years being together, I am starting to see so many beautiful attributes in you.

I am so glad that you are a part of my life – to share myself with you, and to walk together on the paths that took us in so many beautiful directions. Remember my promises?? I promised you that we’ll live to love each other and watch each other grow old. That’s my wish.

Like you, I am having a very hard time coping with my life right now. I hope u too will settle down soon, accepting the fact that I am no longer there to be with you all the time. Learn to be independent and most of all be brave. It takes a strong person to deal with tough times. I promise, everything will be fine – we both will deal and go through the hard times together, and we both will cope with the changes together.

Thank you for being so understanding and supportive. I want you to now that I love you and so many of my smile depended on you.

Love,
me

It's loo late

1305 : The plane finally took off. I peered out of the window with my tears rolling down my cheeks, hoping to get a glimpse of my darling somewhere.

“Goodbye, darling. Promise to take good care of yourself okay ?. I will be back soon, don’t worry about me, I’ll take good care of myself too.”

I later fell asleep with exhaustion written all over my face. The stream of tears had dried up.

1605 : I’ve finally touched down at the Airport. I walk like a dead zombie with a heavy heart towards the immigration. After collecting my luggage, I walked hesitantly towards my collogue waiting at the arrivals, then heads off to my new house.

I broke down once again after my colleague left. My mind was miles and miles away and pictures of my darling came flashing through my mind non-stop. I pick up the phone and decided to call him. We both cried over the phone, I could feel his loneliness already.

“I miss you dear; I wished you didn’t have to leave. My life is so empty without you around. I cried after sending you off” he said.

I was devastated and heart broken to hear that. Why didn’t you tell me this before?? I was angry at myself that very moment…. How could I be so selfish?

Once again, I cried my self to sleep that nite, this time, I was alone - without him by my side.

I felt so cold and lonely………

Goodbye, my love

I woke up quite early this morning to finish packing up for my other stuffs. My darling is still sleeping and I didn’t have the heart to wake him up yet.

We later drove to the airport.

We didn’t talk much during the journey; we just held our hands tightly as he was concentrating driving. I kept telling myself to be strong and never to let him see me cry. I wanted to portray a strong image for him so that he would not be sad to see me leave.

We finally arrived at the airport and the time is ticking, I’ve got another 45 minutes left with him. We walk around the airport and arrived at the departure gate, I felt a lump in my throat. We both sat there speechless - lost for words – both our faces went blank.

When the reality started to sink in, a massive wave of emotions swept through my mind. I kept reminding myself to be strong, but finally I gave up. I broke down. I was shivering, scared and panic. I started crying uncontrollably, as I told him to take good care of himself. He told me the same thing too, that he will always love me and that he’s gonna miss me.

It’s finally time for me to check in. As we both hug each other, he started crying and so did I. For the first time, we both hugged so tightly, with tears flowing from our eyes as if the world had just stop moving just for the both of us, we totally ignored the peoples around us. It was the first time I ever saw him cry in our relationship. This proves that my darling is really sad.

I had only one wish at that very moment. I wish the world would stop; the time would freeze so that we wouldn’t have to be apart.

I was still crying as I went through the departure gate, my heart has never felt heavier, and my limbs have never felt so stiff. I felt so dizzy as so many things are running through my mind. I was too traumatized.

I looked back and there he is, still standing there to bid the last farewell. I could see his tears and that really hurt me allot. Sometime, I just wish that I had the guts to follow my heart. To do things I am happy doing, to live my live the way I wanted it to be. I wanted so muc to turn back and walk away from the departure gate, quit my job just to be with him.

But hold on, think again. I can’t do that, my future depended allot on what I do now. Sigghhhh…..

As I was waiting in the departure room, I was still crying and my emotion was so shaken. I had to leave soon! There’s no why for me to turn back. I was full of regrets at that very moment. Looking out the window, parked the Boeing 737 that’s gonna fly me to Borneo. I can’t help but wished that that there’s a bomb planted somewhere in it and then the plane would burst into a giant inferno.

"Dear lord… I don’t want to leave, really!!!"

Just the two of us

Last nite was spent with just the two of us –my darling and me.

I guessed I wasn’t my usual self that nite, and my darling was feeling terribly sad and worried. My head is still reeling from the reality that I’ll be leaving the very next day. We both knew it’s gonna be our last nite together and he was trying his best not to show his sadness to me. Like wise, I was confused, and wished that I had more time to spend with him that night. The atmosphere was totally pale and sad.

However, I really appreciate my darling’s effort trying to help me pack my luggage despite his somber mood. He kept reminding me to be careful and handed me the important stuffs like my precious alarm clocks (yeah, I sleep like a dead man!!), chargers and other stuffs. Thank you so much darling !! I could never have done it without your support and help. Thanks for putting on a smile and looking at you last night really lifted up my spirit for a brief moment.

That nite we both dozed off hugging each other like a baby. No one can ever understand our feeling. I cried myself to sleep secretly in the middle of the night, knowing for sure that we’ll be apart the next day. I told myself to be strong no matter what future holds for the both of us.

I will always love u my darling, that’s for sure!!

Will I survive??

Hmm… I’ve always knew this day will come… that’s why I never really like to stress or think about it so often. All these while, I’ve been so attached of having my darling around and I really can’t imagine my days without him, not even a single day. And now, it seems that I’ll have to spent the rest of my life here(God knows for how long )

Last nite, I received a call from my big Boss asking me to prepare for my “deportation” to the rainforest in Borneo. Not that I’ve not been there before, but I know pretty well what kind of life I’ll be expecting there.

To be frank, I never really wanted to leave, after being in the comfort zone in KL for such a long time. It’s a difficult choice for me, and I have no other option. On the other hand, I’ve got to live, work and earn a living too. I’ve got way too much of responsibilities and liabilities to pay – my house, car installments, credit card bills and the list goes on. I guess, I was left with no choice but to leave !!!

After that particular call from my boss, I started to freak out. My blood pressure started to rise and my entire body started to shake uncontrably. My “hypertension” is back. That is why I never like to remind myself about this relocation thing. I’ve never even like to discuss it with him as I am pretty sure it will caused him to be extremely unhappy - for I know he loved me too much and it’s gonna hurt him just to see me leave. He loves me so much that he neglected his own life sometimes.

I’ve know my darling for almost 5 years but it seems like I've been watching him grow and progress for a long time. Much has changed and I believe changes will continue to take place and I'll continue to stand by him no matter what. The truth is we never really stayed apart before. We both did almost everything together – from laughters and tears, going shopping, traveling, movies, dining out, cooking, etc. Everything a normal couple would do, you name it, we’ve done it all together. Now, you can see why we both are so upset about me leaving and be apart.

My concern now is whether I will survive the ordeal of being apart from my darling. I know we’ll both miss each other like hell.

My other bigger concern is whether or not I’ll survive being in a totally new place - place full with strangers, new work load, my new friend called “Mr Loneliness” – AARRGGHHH !!! Life really sucks!

Hopefully, I’ll be able to cope and fit in without too much trouble.